Why anxious and avoidant partners are attracted to each other and how to make it work.

Transcript:

Why anxious and avoidant partners are attracted to each other and how to make it work.

If you have an anxious attachment style or an avoidant one, chances are, you’ve partnered up with your opposite attachment style at least a handful of times. Anxious and avoidant folks are magnetized to each other. Those are the rules. In this video we’ll explore why they’re attracted to each other and how they can have a healthier relationship together.

Okay so a real quick review, both anxious and avoidant folks feel pretty insecure in relationships but they manifest in opposite ways.

For anxious folks the insecurity can manifest as a low grade constant worrying about the relationship possibly ending which can cause a feeling of neediness. You might feel clingy and crave validation, reassurance and closeness on a regular basis. The narrative that they typically have of themselves is “I’m too much in relationships.”

If you’re avoidant, your insecurity will manifest as a fear of intimacy. You might feel suffocated and have a hard time trusting and getting close to others. You’ll value and protect your alone time and may need distance to process your feelings which will come off as emotionally unavailable. The narrative that they typically have of themselves is “I’m not enough in relationships.”

Their different narratives are precisely why they’re magnetized to each other.

See, deep down inside, whether we consciously want to continue reinforcing our narratives or not, we are always looking to validate them. If you think you’re too needy, sensitive and overwhelming for people then you’re going to subconsciously find a relationship that continues to make you feel that way. If you think you’re always letting people down and emotionally closed off you’ll keep attracting that type of dynamic. And that’s why an anxious attachment and avoidant attachment are so perfect for each other. The relationship allows them to continue thinking those things about themselves.

The anxious person will tell the avoidant that they are not emotionally available or sensitive enough which will continue to reinforce their core narrative, that they’re “not enough in relationships” and they’ll be like “yep, that checks out.”

The avoidant will tell the anxiously attached that they are coming on way too strong, are far too needy and acting too sensitive which will reinforce their core narrative that they’re “too much in relationships.”

One of the really messed up parts of all of this is that a lot of times you don’t know that your new person is the opposite of you until you’ve sorta left the honeymoon period. So this can be hard to predict and it can feel pretty jarring and disappointing when all of a sudden you realize your sweetie has the opposite attachment style.

Okay, so if you find yourself in this type of dynamic how can you make it work?

Basically what it comes down to is you gotta see this relationship as a healing relationship that will help you grow, instead of a crazy making relationship that will drive you bonkers. It’s important that you understand what energy you’re bringing.

Keep an eye on your core belief system. Are you scanning for reasons to prove that your sweetie is not meeting your needs? Are you keeping a tally of all the times you let each other down? What are you focusing on because this can’t be a healing relationship if there is a part of you that’s out to prove that your partner sucks. Spend some time really checking in with yourself about that and see if that’s the mind frame you enter when something goes wrong in the relationship.

The next thing I want you to do is anticipate your partners needs and empathize with their experience. This can be hard to pull off since you often times experience the opposite needs as them but you probably know what they’re emotionally needing because you’ve dated enough people like them and can do a decent job at predicting their behavior.

So if you’re anxious and your avoidant partner is starting to get overwhelmed, suggest they take some space. Let them know they can take the time they need to get their thoughts together. Encourage them to get some alone time and remind them you won’t force them to process if they can’t get in the right head space.

If you’re avoidant and your anxious partner is starting to get triggered, let them know you’re open to dialogue and you’ll make a conscious effort to understand their experience. Or pull them closer and remind them how much you care about them.

Anticipating your partners emotional needs and allowing them to be in their attachment style without telling them they’re acting like a turd makes a big difference. One attachment style isn’t better than the other. We aren’t here to make one person be right and the other wrong. If you’re going to date someone with an opposite attachment style there needs to be a certain amount of acceptance of how they are and what they need. That’s not to say you can’t ask your partner to make some changes here and there, but realize there will be some limitations.

You also need to validate, compromise and offer solutions. So if you’re an avoidant and your anxious cutie needs you but you’re craving space you need to be able to say something like…

I see that you want me to comfort and support you right now and I really want to but I’m not able to do that at this very moment so I need 30 minutes to just take a walk and clear my head so that I can come back and fully engage with you because I want you to feel loved by me.

See how that works. You validate their emotional experience and you offer them a compromise by letting them know what YOU need in order to more fully be there for them in the end.

And then if it was the other way around and you were the anxious person and your avoidant was feeling overwhelmed you could say something like…

It seems like you need some space right now and I want to give that to you. I’ll let you have all the space you need today but can you quickly just reassure me that you love and care about me. If you can, I’ll feel a lot better about doing my own thing until you want to reconnect.

See, you need to sorta negotiate with care so that both your needs can get met and allow each other to be in your attachment style. It takes some emotional savviness but it can be done. And you’ll get better as you continue to try out these techniques.

If you want even more tools let me know and I’ll make another video for you. And If you want more dating and relationship advice make sure you subscribe! If you enjoy my content a free way to support my channel is to like this video. Also, join me on TikTok and instagram to get daily tips from me. If you’re looking for a counselor like me check out TherapyDen.com to easily find a therapist near you!