9 ways to change your anxious attachment style to a secure attachment.
If you have an anxious attachment style you’re probably dreaming of what it would be like to feel more secure in your relationships. To not feel so worried about your connection and to not get hijacked by fear and insecurity. Well today I am going to go over 9 things you can do in order to start feeling more secure and stop feeling so tied up in knots.
Okay before we get to the nine things I first want to say that having an anxious attachment style is not a bad thing. I mean you may experience it as overwhelming and uncomfortable but it’s not inherently “toxic” or “unhealthy.” And it’s also not your fault. You have an anxious attachment style because of how you were raised. Go back and watch my video about how you developed your anxious attachment.
What I’m trying to say is that I’m not making this video because there is anything wrong with you. I thank folks with anxious attachment styles are cuties. Including me. But over the years I’ve helped myself, and hundreds of clients, move from an anxious attachment closer to a secure one. So let’s dive in.
Find a partner who is secure! Possibly one of the best things you could do for yourself is to find someone with a secure attachment. Not just because it feels nice and grounded dating one of these hidden gems, but because they are going to naturally role model for you how to get your needs met and create healthy boundaries. Also, if you date someone who is insecure there are going to be more things that will trigger you. So, even though this might be an obvious suggestion, it’s something you’ll really want to aim for.
Get in touch with your shame. It’s the shame. It’s always the shame. I hate shame. Somewhere down the line you started to feel ashamed and not good enough. When you feel like there is something wrong with you, you feel ashamed. A lot of times we feel a sense of shame if we have an anxious attachment style because we feel like we don’t deserve to have our needs met. We want to get them met but we think we’re not good enough or worthy enough to get them met. If you can work on feeling less shame, you can start feeling more worthy, which will make it easier to feel good about asking for your needs to be met.
Work on building your self esteem. I mean sure, if you could magically snap your fingers and boost your self esteem you would, I get it. But it’s especially important to work on esteem building if you have an anxious attachment. So do whatever you need to. Work on positive affirmations. Ask your friends why they love you. Do more activities that make you feel proud of yourself. Work on self compassion and challenge all your negative beliefs. Take an online course. Follow influencers on social media that specialize in esteem building. Your esteem goes into the toilet sometimes when you feel anxious. Building it up creates a higher floor.
Express your emotional needs. Look, if you’re going to feel more secure you need to do better at expressing what you need in a clear and direct way. The problem is that you’re working at a deficit. You likely have always put everyone else’s needs first which means that expressing even the most basic need is going to make you feel selfish. If you’re not used to asking for want you want then everything you ask for is going to feel like you’re being too needy, see what I mean? So keep that in mind and ask for all your needs to be met anyway. Once you give yourself permission to really speak up you’ll feel more liberated and your partners will be grateful that they know how to please you.
Don’t play games. I know you don’t mean to play games, you might not even know when you’re doing it, but try to be conscious of the sneaky little passive aggressive game playing you might be doing. If you’re trying to get your partner to feel a certain way by being indirect or manipulating them, you’re being gamey. And it likely won’t get you the response you’re looking for. So practice awareness about the game playing, note when you’re doing it, and be vulnerable and direct instead.
Resist being so critical of yourself. Being critical is kinda at the root of all of this. You likely have a strong critical voice which powers the feelings of insecurity and worry. Get to know that critical voice intimately. Study it like a scientist. Witness it. Keep an eye on it. Start predicting what it will say and when it’ll say it. If you you know when your critical voice will get triggered and try to convince you to feel crappy about yourself it’ll start losing it’s power and you can start feeling better about yourself.
Learn to do a lot more self soothing. Go watch my video on 11 ways to cope with an anxious attachment style and play it on repeat. Finding like 2 or 3 ways to soothe yourself when you feel anxious is key. And make a promise to yourself that you’re going to do your absolute best to first find a way to bring yourself down a little bit before going to your partner feeling flooded with anxiety. You don’t have to do this every time. But it’ll make your conversations more productive if you can feel more grounded before diving into things with your sweetie.
Focus more on yourself. Your instinct might be to focus on your relationship. While it’s important to make sure you feel connected, it’s just as important to make sure you have a healthy connection with self. It may sound cheesy but you should take yourself out on some dates more often. Spend time doing your own thing and have fun with it. Look forward to it. The relationship you have with yourself might be the most important relationship you can have in life. Make sure to make it your priority so that you’re not over focused on your partner.
Go to therapy. Suggestions one through eight work so much better with the help of a therapist. You’ll also be able to dig into where your anxious attachment comes from, if you have any trauma related to it and how you can start healing your past. Also, your anxious attachment issues will likely manifest with your therapist too, which means that you can work on it in real time with a professional. It’s pretty fantastic.
Something you should know is that as time goes by, you likely will start to naturally feel more secure in relationships. It’s very possible this will be something that you pass through. I used to have a very anxious attachments style in my teens and 20’s. I’m pretty secure now a days. However, if I match up with a partner that’s really triggering for me I can regress back to my more anxious behaviors. And when that happens, it’s a pretty clear sign that person I’m with is not the greatest match for me.
If you want even more tools let me know and I’ll make another video for you. And If you want more dating and relationship advice make sure you subscribe! If you enjoy my content a free way to support my channel is to like this video. Also, join me on TikTok and instagram to get daily tips from me. If you’re looking for a counselor like me check out TherapyDen.com to easily find a therapist near you!