11 ways to cope with an anxious attachment style.
Transcript:
Let’s face it, if you have an anxious attachment style you’re getting flooded and overwhelmed more than you’d like. And while it may seem like that’s just how relationships go for you, there are some really practical things you can do in order to feel more grounded and relaxed. In this video I’m going to go over 11 things you can do in order to feel more at ease in your relationship.
Before we dive in, I’m Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counselor in Portland, Oregon and this video is brought to you by TherapyDen.com. Go to TherapyDen.com to find a progressive and accepting therapist near you by using the over 140 search filters. And I would love it if you supported this video by clicking that like button right now. Thanks!
Alright let’s get into it!
Ask for your needs to be met. This is always the first thing I’ll suggest. If you have an anxious attachment style chances are you forget about doing this. You might feel guilty, ashamed or too cringy to bring up what you’re needing in the moment. There’s so much doubt that creeps in when you’re constantly feeling like you’re too much. If you can gently ask for your needs to be met and your partner can be receptive to it, you’ve just saved yourself a whole lot of anxious energy that was about to ruin your day.
Witness what’s going on. So when you feel upset or triggered it all of a sudden feels like the thoughts that you’re being flooded with are 100% true. You get all charged up. You feel a burst of energy. And often times you’re like okay, something need to be done about this. You really want to take action. Before you do that, do your best to slow it down. It can be hard to do but with practice your first move should be noticing what’s going on and just watching all the thoughts explode in your brain. Tell yourself, that nothing is urgent. It feels like you should urgently do something right this second. But you need to remind yourself that you really don’t. It can wait. Take a seat. Watch the thoughts. Be present with your feelings. Do your very best not to attach to any of the ideas and wait until things feel a bit more stable and grounded. Then decide what you’d like to do.
Distract yourself. I love this one. I do it all the time. And because I do it all the time I know what my 3 favorite distractions are that work incredibly well. You need to figure out what works best for you. If you’re upset try getting some air, go for a walk, do some exercise. Or do something soothing like, taking a bath, coloring in your coloring book or reading an article. You can try doing something that will challenge your mind such as working on a puzzle, playing a game on your phone or even doing math problems. Make sure you have some easy go to’s like putting on your favorite TV show or watching a funny movie. You’ll want to have a solid set of distractions that work pretty consistently. You won’t feel like doing the in them moment but if you promise yourself to do one of them for like 15 minutes, that could make a huge difference.
Call a friend. I hope you’re being open and honest with your friends about feeling anxious in relationships. Because if you are, then you can have them on speed dial if you need their help. And I’d suggest calling them or seeing them in person instead of texting. You should set up the support before you’re feeling triggered so you can discuss what you need from them. You might just want to vent at them. You may want them to actively calm you down. Maybe you want some problem solving help. What works for me is asking for a reality check from my friends. I tell them what’s going on and if they think my little freak out is justified or not, they’ll let me know.
Understand what’s happening with your brain. Your brain is literally getting hijacked by your limbic system. The limbic system is where you have all your big emotions. It’s where we feel fight or flight! When it gets activated you feel like you need to take action right now. It works great when we’re in crisis situations but it’s not so good when it’s going off at times where we need to be more pragmatic. The frontal lobe, or the cortex, is the logical and practical part of our brains. You want to be in there when you’re making important decisions. So realize that you’re being hijacked by a very animalistic part of your brain and then do your best to get in contact with the frontal lobe by making the intention to think more practically. I know, easier said than done. But sometimes understanding the brain science about what’s going on can actually be a really soothing thing to do.
Identify where your upset is coming from. So for this one I’m asking you to play therapist. That can be a challenge because you’ll also be your own client, but I want to see if you can identify where exactly this feeling is coming from. For example, if I decide to be really vulnerable and tell my partner about something I am deeply struggling with and it seems like she really couldn’t care less, then that is automatically going to bring me back to how my family didn’t get me and totally disregarded how I felt. So now I’m flooded with anger that belongs with my mom and my sister and not necessary with my partner that’s just trying her best. Instead of reacting to my partner like I would react to my mother, I should instead take stock of who I’m really upset with, and try to give my partner another chance to be there for me.
Ask your partner to “turn on the lights for you.” If you’re feeling super anxious it probably has a lot do with how uncertain you feel. Maybe you’re confused about how your partner feels, or you don’t know when exactly you’re going to see them next or you just have no idea what the hell is going on. That uncertainty can cause a ton of anxiety and the best thing to do in these situations is to feel like things are more certain and clear. So what you can request from your partner in these moments is that they “turn on the lights for you.” Let them know that you feel like you’re in the dark. You don’t know what’s going on. And you’d like them to illuminate what’s really going on so you can see things better.
What would you do if you were single? If you’re starting to feel upset with your partner for any reason, instead of going to them about it, ask yourself what would you do to take care of yourself if you were single right now. If you couldn’t go to your partner then what else would you do? What that should do is release you from the desire to get your emotional needs met by your partner. It forces you to count on yourself or your friends or family. You don’t have to do this every time. And of course it’s totally okay to go to your partner sometimes. But see if you can interrupt that default urge and soothe yourself in a different way.
Journal everything you’re thinking and feeling. Sometimes you just gotta get everything out of your head and on to some paper. Don’t edit yourself. Don’t try to be cute and funny. Just go for it. Do a free association of everything that’s going through your mind and barf it all into a journal. Get absolutely everything in that journal. Then it’s up to you what you want to do with it. Sometimes reading it over can bring you down a notch. Sometimes tearing it out of your journal and throwing it away feels cathartic. Or you can just close the journal and get some space. A lot of times you’ll eventually feel like your thoughts are more organized and you don’t feel as overwhelmed.
Ask for closeness. When it comes down to it, 99% of the time, you just want to feel closer to your partner. You want to feel secure, loved, treasured and prioritized. This works great when you’re having a hard time verbalizing exactly what’s making you upset. Don’t even try to figure out what’s triggering you and why. Just go to your partner. Try to be sweet and vulnerable and ask for extra love and closeness. Don’t worry about processing or talking through anything. Just take in their sweet energy.
Break up with your partner. Don’t forget, you can always end the relationship and be single. You can also find someone else that can meet your needs better. So often anxiously attached sweeties forget that they can end the relationship if it’s not working out. It’s common to get hijacked by the idea that you have to fix the relationship you’re in. You don’t have to do that. You can end the relationship. You don’t have to stay in a relationship that continues to not meet your needs even if you’re feeling like you’re being too needy.
So there you go! Those are my 11 favorite ways to cope with an anxious attachment style. Did I miss any that you like to use in your relationships? Let me know in the comment section.
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