10 things you should NOT do when you’re dating.

Transcript:

Okay first I want to say that some of these suggestions might not resonate for you and that’s perfectly fine. This isn’t a definitive list. But, as a relationship therapist, I am constantly counseling people about getting in the right headspace when they’re dating and the following suggestions have worked really well for a lot of people. It’s best if you’re feeling solid mentally and emotionally and I think avoiding the following things will help you attract the relationship you want.

1. At the start, don’t just date one person (and don’t assume they’re only dating you)

There’s just something about knowing that you have options that makes things a lot less intense. If you’re going on dates with more then one person as you date around you don’t have to put all your eggs in one basket. If one of your dates is a let down, then who cares? You’ve got another date with a new cutie in a couple days. Dating more than one person typically makes the experience less of an emotional roller coaster because you don’t get hooked on just one person.

The second part to this is that you shouldn’t imagine that you’re the one and only person your dates are going out with. They’re most likely dating around seeing who they click with best. This too can bring some relief because the pressure on you lessens and you know not to take it too seriously unless you have a talk about dating exclusively.

2. Don’t have a pessimistic attitude

I see so many people enter the dating world with the worst attitude. When you’re convinced that dating is dumb and everyone is a turd I can almost guarantee you that you’ll only have really bad dates. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. That’s just how it works.

Also, your edgy pessimistic attitude is not as cool and attractive as you might think. You’re probably coming off as someone in a really bad mood who thinks nothing ever works out for them which is not hot. Or even worse, you’ll be seen as someone who thinks they’re better than everyone. Not the best way to find what you’re looking for.

3. Don’t automatically embrace intense feelings of familiarity.

I know this may seem like it goes against my urge to be open and optimistic but I have a good reason for this one. In my opinion you need to question the feeling of familiarity instead of embracing it. This can be hard because when you get the funny feeling that you already know this new person intimately it’s natural to just sink right into it.

You might experience feelings of familiarity, or being drawn to people, based on the needs that are unfulfilled in your life. So the feeling you’re getting might be a clue that this new person will once again not be able to meet your needs. Now this isn’t always the case but I encourage you to label this feeling with a yellow flag and proceed with caution.

4. Don’t scan for red flags

If you’re specifically looking for deal breakers on every date you go out on you’ll find them. You can’t not. I get that you’re just trying to protect yourself so that you don’t fall for someone that will eventually break your heart. But often times the red flags don’t reveal themselves until later on.

The first few dates you should do your best to focus on the green flags. It’s important that both people start off by engaging in mutual positive projection. The good feelings will create a strong base for the relationship that you’ll need to rely on once things start to get a little harder. So if you catch yourself trying to figure out what’s wrong with your date, gently refocus on all the things that turn you on instead.

5. Don’t date from a desperate place

Desperation does not lead to good decisions. It’s hard to be mindful about your actions when you’re feeling doomed and hopeless. Desperation means that you’re making decisions from an anxious and fearful place. When was the last time something worked out when you were in that head space?

So before you fire up the dating apps and hit the scene, ask yourself if you’re feeling hopeful and inspired or reactive and depressed. Because you’ll get very different results depending on where you’re coming from. It’s also just a major turn off to most people when you stink of desperation.

6. Don’t hyper focus on what your date wants you to be

If you’re really vibing with someone it’s hard not to try and figure out what your date is looking for so that you can be more of that. And sometimes we end up performing for our date without even knowing it.

Obviously, the problem with that is that you’re not being authentically you. You’re not showcasing yourself in an honest way. So if your date falls for you they will be sorely disappointed when they learn you’re not really who you say you are. Plus, you don’t want to keep up the charade the whole time. That’s exhausting. It’s much easier to just be you and let the cards fall where they may.

7. Don’t see them every day

Slow things down at the start because a gradual build to the relationship gives it the best chance for success. Trust me. You want to build the tension and anticipation. You should miss each other a little. There should be some mystery and intrigue.

If you see each other every day all the time then there’s a chance it’ll all come crashing down once one of you gets burnt out on all the time you’re spending together. I know there are examples of things working out after two people spend all the days together at the start but that’s the exception to the rule. It’s not worth the risk.

8. Don’t neglect other aspects of your life

You are so much more attractive when you have a full and fulfilling life. If you have wonderful friends, a supportive family, an interesting job, cool hobbies and enjoy your alone time then you’re a well rounded person that can feel joy in lot of different ways. That’s hot.

And you likely get support and feel replenished from all the different aspects of your life which means you won’t solely rely on your relationship to get your needs met. And if the relationship doesn’t work out it’s okay because you find meaning and purpose in many different things.

9. Don’t take rejection personally

It’s so easy to say this but it’s so important to do your best not to take rejection personally. In most cases, if things don’t work out at the start it doesn’t have much to do with you. Your new date doesn’t even know you that well if they’ve only seen you a few times.

If it ends earlier then you’d like then you gotta try and see it as their loss. It’s not worth chasing after them or begging them for clarity about why they don’t want to see you again. Try to take it gracefully and then get back out there when you’re feeling inspired and hopeful.

10. Don’t be afraid to ask about exes

I may be in the minority on this topic but I feel passionate about it. While asking your date about their exes on the first date might be a little too intense, I don’t think it should be off limits on the third date. There is so much you can learn about someone when you ask them about their past relationships.

Just remember to respect your new sweeties decision if they don’t feel ready to talk about their last relationship. And only ask questions if you can emotionally handle hearing their answers. Engage in compassionate curiosity.

You can ask questions like:

• How did your last relationship end?

• How did you contribute to the problems and the ending of the last relationship?

• What were your exes main complaints about you?

• What relationship patterns do you experience?

The list goes on. Ask whatever you think is important to know in order to figure out who this person is in relationship. But of course, be ready to answer all the same questions about yourself. It’s only fair.

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