This is why you get hooked on people that send mixed messages.

Transcript:

This is why you get hooked on people that send mixed messages and act like turds.

Sometimes we get hooked on people that send us mixed messages, are hard to read and don’t treat us very well. We can blame our psyches for that. Let me explain.

As you may be painfully aware, humans love drama. Or more accurately our psyche loves drama. Because of this, we’re magnetized to toxic and dramatic relationships. 

Hooking up with someone who’s all over the place is super hot because who knows how long it’s going to last. You may never see the person every again. The mystery and the unpredictability is a big turn on for our psyche. If we don’t know whether or not someone is coming or going then we’ll always be left wanting more. It may be annoying and painful but psychologically we drawn to these dynamics.

Basically, what’s going on is that we are experiencing intermittent reinforcement. Which is the strongest way to reinforce a behavior.

We all know what positive reinforcement is, right? If our dog does a good sit and we give him a treat then we are positively reinforcing him. But if he gets a treat every single time then eventually he’s gonna get a little bored of it because it’s so predictable. 

But if your dog doesn’t get a treat every single time and you instead ignore his good sit like half the time then all of a sudden he’s like wait, what’s happening. How can I count on this treat if I don’t know when it’s coming? I better make sure I do a good sit every single time because now I’m feeling anxious about the treats stopping at some point and never coming back again. 

That’s intermittent reinforcement and that’s what our psyche is getting hooked on. Who knows if our mixed messaging love interest is ever going to come back. When they’re with us we’re stoked and getting all the dopamine hits. When they’re away we’re anxious and questioning whether they’ll ever come back again. 

It’s such an addictive cycle and it’s so hard to break. We literally feel addicted to the attention we get and we can never get enough of it. We yearn for them. We crave them. And when we finally hook up with them it’s like fireworks because all the happy chemical are exploding in our body.

This intermittent reinforcement thing is basically what fuels reality shows like the Bachelor franchise. All the contestants are constantly feeling anxious and experiencing intermittent reinforcement because there are tons of obstacles getting in the way of being with their one true love. Well, who their psyche has fooled them into thinking is their one true love.

So when you find yourself in this sort of arrangement remind yourself you’re going through the same thing that Bachelor contestants are going through and ask yourself how you feel about that. Because if you’re losing your mind on the bachelor, at least you can grow your instagram following. If you’re just feeling hooked on some random person and you’re not staring in a reality show, chances are, you won’t reach influencer status and it’s just not worth it.

But here’s the most messed up part of this. What do you think happens when we finally break the cycle of dating turds and find someone who is consistent, secure, safe and predictable? 

You might guess that you’d be happy, satisfied and in love. And while those feelings are present, they may not be the feelings you’re in touch with the most. 

I mean, it’s a relief at first. It’s such a nice feeling knowing that you can count on someone. But as soon as the honeymoon period ends and all your left with is your nice safe and secure partner…it’s just not that hot. 

Being with a stable person who you don’t have to worry about is not a turn on to our psyches. We are psychologically turned off and don’t want to rip the clothes off of a partner that is just really good at being there for you. 

That’s messed up, am I right?

So chances are high that you’ll find yourself fantasizing about your past flings that left you guessing all the time. You’ll probably think about them when you’re hooking up with your safe and secure sweetie. 

It’s normal to still fantasize about them. But you’ll probably want to keep it a fantasy and not try to make it a reality again. Instead focus on your predictable partner that provides you with stable love and try to spice things up a bit. Add some novelty to the relationship by going new places. Talk about how you two can be more adventurous in your relationship. 

I know it kinda sucks that you have to deliberately create chemistry with a partner that you feel safe with but that’s just how it works. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you were meant to be with your inconsistent ex. And if you’re going to be mad at something be mad at your psyche who is addicted to the drama. 

Have questions? What else do you want to learn about? Leave all your feedback in the comments. 

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