How to tell the difference between a relationship NEED and a relationship WANT.
Transcript:
Alright, there’s actually a pretty easy way to tell the difference between something you feel like you NEED in a relationship and something you feel like you just WANT. But before we get into how you can figure out what’s what, can we please dispel the myth that being demanding, needy or high maintenance is a bad thing?
You asking for your needs to be met is not a red flag. In fact, someone telling YOU that you’ve got too many NEEDS is the red flag.
I don’t know about you but I am very turned on by people who know what they want. Being able to speak up and let me know what your clear expectations are is a turn on. So if anyone is making you feel like crap when you tell them what you need or want, be careful because whether they know it or not, they’re making you feel guilty about speaking up and that’s not a great sign.
Oh and also, please don’t aim to be the chill go-with-the-flow partner. I mean, if you’re naturally easy going and enjoy going for the ride, cool. Love that for you. But if you’re someone who wants to speak up or be in more control then by all means, please do.
When I know what your needs, boundaries and expectations are, the relationship feels more safe and secure. I don’t have to do as much guess work because I already know what you’re looking for. And if I accidentally bump up against your boundary or let you down, I don’t have to worry about reading your mind because I know that you’re going to let me know what’s up.
Okay, now let’s talk a little about what the difference is between a relationship NEED and WANT.
Needs are something that are non-negotiable for you. If you have a need and it’s not met then it’s probably gonna be a deal breaker for you.
Wants are something that you really desire to have in a relationship but if you don’t get it, then it might not end the relationship. It’ll be a bummer but if a bunch of other wants are satisfied then you’ll probably be okay. And as you probably know, it’s very unrealistic to get all of your wants met in a relationship.
And as disclaimer, only YOU get to decide what your needs and wants are. Nobody else can tell you what they should or shouldn’t be.
Alright, as promised, let’s get to how you can figure out what the difference is between a relationship NEED and a relationship WANT.
First things first, a quick and easy way to get a list of needs as wants is to click on the link to the needs inventory down in the description. The list is from the center for non-violent communication.
Now go ahead and browse that inventory. Take your time. Just scanning through it I can easily start separating some of them into needs and wants for myself.
Some clear needs for me are Acceptance, Empathy and Appreciation. (Not a surprise I hone in on these three things because I didn’t feel I got any of them met in my childhood. Thanks family!)
Some clear wants for me are spontaneity, creativity and consistency. I definitely want all these things but if they weren’t present then I could be good.
But let’s say I’m having trouble trying to figure out if one of those things is a real need, that if not present would be a deal breaker, or if it’s simply a want or desire that I can live without.
The way to figure it out is to try and engage in curiosity around it. The less curiosity there is around a desire the more it’s a need end not a want.
Let’s focus on monogamy. Is being monogamous in a relationship a need or a want for you? Go ahead ask yourself. If you’re like, “Yeah, I for sure need to be in an monogamous relationship” then it’s clearly a need. You didn’t engage in any curiosity.
But if you’re like me I might be like well…I mean I’ve done the whole monogamy thing. I guess I could do it again. But I’m curious what it would be like to be poly. Or at least monogamish! Hmm.”
See how much curiosity there is for me? Turns out monogamy might only be a want for me but is def not a deal breaking need.
Okay now do that with everything. Like I said before, it’s hot when you know what your needs and wants are. And I would encourage you to communicate what they are earlier on in a relationship so you can figure out if it’ll be a good match before getting super attached.
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