This is how you stop falling for unavailable people.

Transcript:

Continuously falling for people that can’t show up or are emotionally vacant is the worst. I want to help you break the pattern of falling for these people.

On my wildly popular TikTok account I listed 13 reasons you keep attracting and falling for unavailable people. So I want to start there because it’s important that you know why you might be attracting these folks. And I know the first thing you’re going to say to me is that you don’t WANT to keep falling into relationships with physically or emotionally unavailable people. You’re deliberately trying to NOT do that. I understand.

But this isn’t about why you’re consciously choosing unavailable people. It’s why you’re subconsciously magnetizing them. You would probably never seek out someone who’s just going to let you down in the end. I get it.

So the following 13 reasons you’re attracting unavailable people into your life is because there is a subconscious desire to be with them. It meets an unconscious need. This isn’t really your fault. It’s just how your psychology has been set up.

Okay onto the 13 reasons……. this could be happening because you subconsciously don’t want to be in a really close relationship. Maybe underneath it all you’re really afraid of being in an intimate partnership with someone that sorta forces you to reveal who you really are.

Or it’s because your parents or caregivers were emotionally unavailable so that’s what love feels like to you. Whether we like it or not, our primary caregivers set the tone for intimate relationships. And if they were physically or emotionally absent we will attract the same type of dynamic as adults. It’s what we subconsciously expect.

It might be because you want to hide aspects of who you really are and it’s easiest to do that with someone who’s unavailable. If you’re ashamed or embarrassed about certain parts of who you are then you don’t have to reveal them with someone who doesn’t really care about you.

If you prioritize your career or creative hobbies then it might be super convenient to find someone who isn’t going to ask a lot out of you. A partnership with someone who isn’t around very much leaves a lot of room to do a bunch of other cool stuff.

Or maybe it’s hot if someone is unavailable and it makes them mysterious and unpredictable and that could be a real turn on for you. Someone who is always there for you could make you sorta bored. So going after people you can’t count on will at least fan the flames for you.

If you believe you’ll be anxious in every relationship then you’re hands down gonna be magnetized to people that spike your anxiety. And who best to make you go crazy? Someone who you can’t count on and will always let you down in the end.

If somewhere down the line you picked up the belief that you’re not worthy of love, whether it was from your family, an ex, society, social media, then you’ll naturally attract relationships that will continue to strengthen that core belief.

Or maybe you don’t like to be in relationships that take real work. Doing work can be a total drag so the best way to avoid that work is to find someone who will never do the work with you!

Orrrrr what if you absolutely hate the messy and emotionally draining breakups. The best way to avoid the turmoil and grief is to date someone that just sorta lets you go with out a fuss when things are over. Unavailable partners are perfect for this!

Maybe you’re trapped in the cycle of dating these people because you just don’t know how to hold out for something better. And because of that you get trapped in long term relationships with people that can’t show up.

Or it could be because you’re one of those people that thinks you can change someone. And if you can successfully change someone then you’ll know it’s true love. So you try to change the unavailable person into an available person which will almost never work.

Another reason could be because you think it’s normal that your needs will never be met in a relationship. If you expect not to get your needs met then that’ll most likely continue happening.

It also could be as simple as having expectation that that’s all that’s out there. If you’re always telling your friends that it’s bunch of unavailable turds out there then chances are you’ll continue magnetizing those turds.

Lastly, it may just be that you don’t love yourself and you can’t imagine anyone else would either. By far the saddest reason on this list.

Okay now you’re probably screaming at me being like “well okay then how do I fix this??!”

The best way to fix this is to get really personalized help with a therapist. So check out TherapyDen.com to find a counselor near you.

But there are steps you can take right now to start and reverse the curse of only dating people that are unavailable.

First, do your best to identify what the reason is. It may be one that I listed or something that’s even more personal to you. If you can’t figure it out and you don’t have a therapist that can help you identify it, then try brainstorming with someone close to you that has been with you on your dating journey. They might have some really good insight.

But if you can’t figure it out it’s okay. You’re not doomed. You can just go with the standard reason that for you, love equals unavailability. Because that’s what it all comes down to when you find yourself in this pattern.

Okay, second, and I know this might feel like a big jump for you, but start imagining what it would be like if your partner was always there for you. What does that relationship look and feel like it? It would probably be really heartwarming. Spend a while visualizing it or writing about it or talking to a friend about it. And do this daily for at least 5 minutes.

Third, notice when you get pulled back into your old belief system. If you went with “love equals unavailability” gently and compassionately tell yourself that that belief doesn’t serve you anymore. It was there to protect you and keep you safe but you no longer need it. Don’t get mad or angry at it. Thank it for protecting you from getting hurt, gently let it go and focus back on what a fulfilling relationship will be like.

Then when you start meeting new people, NOT OLD PEOPLE YOU’VE DATED BEFORE, be super mindful about what the energy feels like. Do you feel seen and emotionally validated even if it’s just a little bit on the first date? Great, go on a second and a third if you can continue to feel like the person you’re seeing is showing up for you.

And its important that you start asking for your needs to be met early on. I mean maybe not on the first date but somewhere early on you should be asking them to show up for you in different ways. If they start clearly showing you that they can’t do that do not make excuses for them. End the relationship before you’re super attached and look for someone else.

Chances are that you won’t be able to find a super available person on your first try. This takes practice and it almost feels like the universe is testing you for a little bit. But over time you’ll find someone that is excited to show up for you and be present and thoughtful.

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If you have any questions or feedback make sure to leave them in the comments section. If you’re looking for a counselor like me check out TherapyDen.com to easily find a therapist near you!