8 ways therapy is holding you back.

Transcript:

Therapy should be helping you to grow and feel more peace. I mean, the journey might be a little rough at times but all in all therapy should help you to become your best self. However, there are times that it could be holding you back, and in fact making things worse, so let’s talk about 8 ways therapy might not be having the desired effect on you. At the end I’ll give you some tips on how you can get it going in the right direction.

Okay, I feel like it’s important to discuss all the ways therapy might not be working for you because you might not know that there’s actually a problem. You might think that this is just how therapy works. Or maybe you think your life is better when in fact, nothing has really changed and there hasn’t been any growth on your part.

I want to start with one of the most common things that I see happening to with my clients that often times I don’t catch for a while.

1. It’s not allowing you to feel your anxiety.

If you’re an anxious person then you probably want to avoid feeling anxiety. And therapy can help with that. But here’s the thing, a healthy amount of anxiety is needed in order to create change. Sometimes we need to feel a little test anxiety in order to buckle down and study for that test. If your therapist is able to relieve 100% of your anxiety and suffering every week then you might lose some motivation to make positive changes in your life.

2. Your therapist’s world or cultural views may not be serving you.

Take into consideration who your therapist is and what culture they were raised in. I’ll use myself as an example. My top values are autonomy, freedom and self reliance. So as a therapist I may encourage my clients to rely on themselves for support before they go to a partner, friend or family member. That might not work for you and your culture. Hopefully I am aware enough to know we aren’t aligned but I might not be and you might think I’m the authority on healthy relationships. That’s not true. Some of this is relative.

3. Your therapist may be a fierce relationship advocate.

There is so much healing and growth that can be made inside of a relationship. And sometimes you need a good counselor who puts relationships first so you can learn how to have healthy relationships instead of no relationships at all. But sometimes you just need a therapist who can advocate for you to leave relationships that aren’t serving you. At times, some therapists can fall into the trap of keeping a relationship together that has no chance of long term success.

4. Encourages you to complain or think negatively.

A lot of complaining and venting happens in therapy. That’s pretty standard. But that’s not what every session should be about. If you’re finding yourself collecting experiences during the week that piss you off so you can complain about it in session then counseling may be enabling you to have a negative attitude as you scan for things to be upset about.

5. It isn’t challenging you enough.

Your therapist should be challenging you on the regular. They shouldn’t be a turd about it, but they should be compassionately asking you to look at things from a different perspective or encouraging you to behave in a different way. You’re basically paying us to challenge you. But if you’re not being challenged enough then there won’t be sufficient growth in the end.

6. You’re only dealing with problems in session.

When you’re in therapy there could be a feeling of relief that you’re finally going to deal with things instead of avoiding them. However, sometimes the opposite happens and you sorta fool yourself into thinking that the problems are being addressed because you talk to your therapist about them but really nothing is actually changing. Real growth happens between sessions, not in them.

7. You rely on therapy for validation.

One of your therapists main jobs is to validate your experience. You want to feel seen and heard by your therapist. You likely will feel understood pretty early on. However, it can be something that could hold you back if you get all of your validation from your counselor. It’s great that your therapist is filling that void, but it’s better if you start getting it from people in your real life.

8. Your therapist fulfills a relationship void in your life.

Your relationship with your therapist can feel similar to a healthy relationship with your parent or caregiver. It can also mimic some of the intimacy you’d have in a romantic relationship. And often times your therapist can feel like your best friend. While it’s normal to experience all those things, it’s a problem if you don’t create those relationships outside of counseling because most of your needs are getting met by your therapist.

Okay, if any of these things are occurring with your therapist it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. And even if your therapist hasn’t caught it on their end, it does’t mean they’re a bad therapist.

When I went through the 8 things did any of them stand out for you? If at least one of them resonated with you then you should either bring it up at your next session or email them about it. You could even share this video with them and ask them if they think any of these things are happening.

We therapists are trained to take any and all feedback. We won’t be offended if you tell us something isn’t working for you or you’re not getting the desired results you’re looking for. We will work on addressing your issue and if we can’t then we are legally obligated to refer you to another therapist that could be a better match for you.

So please feel empowered to bring these things up with your therapist. Otherwise you’re wasting your time and not growing as much as you could be.

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