10 things to consider before you get back with your ex.

Transcript:

10 things to consider before you get back with your ex.

The urge to get back with your ex is strong sometimes. Should you resist or give them another chance? Before you make a decision let’s go over 10 things you might want to consider before jumping back in a relationship again.

Alright, first can I just validate how you might be feeling right now? While your relationship with your ex may have been problematic there was probably a lot of good as well. And now that some time has passed you might be thinking that you don’t want to miss the opportunity to rekindle something that at one point felt really sweet.

We all struggle with this decision. I’ve gotten back with exes before and well…I’ve had mixed results. But let’s focus on you and what you’ll want to consider before igniting an old flame. I’m gong to ask you ten questions that you need to answer honestly. We’ll go over your results at the end.

Okay here we go.

1. Has there been actual accountability or has time just passed? -

You likely broke up because something went wrong, right?. Often times we think if some amount of time goes by then our ex probably has learned their lesson. That’s so not true. I mean, feeling sad and lonely while time slowly marches on does feel like punishment and can at times spark some introspection. But don’t confuse time passing with taking actual accountability for pain caused. I say this because you should have realistic expectations that things probably haven’t changed unless they give you real evidence that they’re willing to take some accountability.

2. Will you respond differently to the same old problems?

Really ask yourself this. I promise you the same problematic dynamics will pop up. Will you be able to process it without being as reactive as before? I’m not blaming you for the problems but often times with couples there is a very predictable script that they follow when they get into a fight. If your ex starts reading from that old script can you respond in a more thoughtful way or do you think you’ll fall into the same old endless argument?

3. Are you feeling desperate and lonely?

Basically, do you miss the person or do you just want companionship? Okay really ask yourself why you wanna get back together because if a big reason is because you can’t stand being alone, it’s not gonna work out. And I really need you to be honest here. If you just don’t want to be alone and you’re falling back into it to feel comfortable, it ain’t gonna last. Instead of giving into your desperate urge, try tolerating the feeling of sadness and grief and go spend time with friends or do something creative.

4. Have either of you hooked up or dated anyone since you split?

Sometimes it’s a deal breaker if either of you have been with other people if the break is still fresh. Not only will you have to heal your old wounds but now you’ll have to possibly heal some new ones. How are you going to handle this? Be prepared to cope with intense feelings of jealousy if your ex was with someone else. And ask yourself if you’d rather be with a new person that has a blank slate instead.

5. Can you take it slow?

Oh the urge to jump back in at the same pace you were at is so strong. But if you do that you’re probably not being thoughtful and you’ll likely experience the same dumb problems. If you’re going to make this work you need to take things slow so that you can keep an eye on old problems that will eventually get triggered so that you can deliberately deal with them in a different way. Create some anticipation and be okay with missing each other by slowing things down a bit.

6. What do they bring out in you?

What I mean is, what kind of person are you around them and do you like yourself? Or do you feel anxious, needy, dramatic and just not your best self? If you give it another shot do you feel like you’re regressing into a version of you that you can’t stand or do you feel like you can be someone that you feel proud of in a relationship?

7. How much time have you given yourself?

While there isn’t a set specific amount of time that you should take before jumping back with your ex, you should at least give it enough time to reach the point where you aren’t longing for them anymore. If you’ve gotten to the point where you can almost take em or leave em, then enough time has probably passed. Make sure you do some healing and feel grounded back into your single life before you make any decisions.

8. Have you asked a close friend what they think?

If you can’t even bring yourself to ask a friend if they think it would be a good idea then you already have your answer. But if you can have an honest chat with your friend that knows your ex well and you can both go over why you broke up in the first place then you’ll be able to experience a really good reality check before making this decision on your own.

9. Was your ex a bad breaker upper?

Often times we reveal who we really are during a break up. Was your ex a real turd? An angry maniac? Emotionally abusive or belittling? Let’s not forget how they treated you when you may have been at your most vulnerable. Do you want to experience that again?

10. Was there any feeling of relief after the breakup?

Because if there was, that’s a sign that you may be better off without them. It’s so easy to forget that feeling of relief because you want to believe in the relationship and only feel the good. But if you knew that the relationship should end and then you were relieved when it did, you might want to hang tough and be on your own so that you can eventually find a relationship that doesn’t cause you to breath a sign of relief when it’s over.

Alright, now let’s think back on these questions. I want you to rally take them in and answer each one of them. After you’ve done that do you find yourself making excuses for your ex and feeling anxious or twisted up inside? Are you more worried than you were before I asked you these questions? Has more doubt cropped up? Or do you feel positive and inspired? Do you feel hopeful and optimistic and possibly even a little excited about starting a new chapter with your ex?

How you feel after answering these questions is a big clue about whether or not you should give them another chance. Let me know what you think of these questions and what your experience has been when you’ve gotten back with an ex.

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