10 reasons you can’t get over your ex.

Oh my god why is it so hard to get over an ex! You know, sometimes it feels truly bizarre because there are some relationships that end and you’re like ok, give me a week and I’ll be fine. And then there are others that end and you’re like cool, guess I’m never going to feel happiness again.

Well today I want to focus on focus on those exes that just feel impossible to get over and move on from. Maybe it’s been months and you’re still really depressed. Maybe it’s been many weeks but you can’t stop obsessing about them. Maybe the breakup has infiltrated every single aspect of your life and you are having a really hard time letting go. Well, maybe a little insight into why this could be happening will give you some relief.

Okay so obviously this isn’t an exhaustive list. There are a million and one reasons you might be having a hard time getting over an ex. But I wanted to go over 10 reasons that I commonly see my clients struggle with when trying to move on from a breakup.

1. Because you think there’s a chance you’ll get back together.

Hope. False hope? Call it what you want but maybe the most common reason it’s hard to move on is because you just won’t let go. You think there’s a chance you’ll reunite so you’re not willing to grieve and move on. I get it. But here’s the thing. If you decide to give up hope and then there’s a real chance to get back together in the future, you’ll make a much more rational choice if you’re not waiting desperately to give it another try. Letting go of the fantasy is hard to do but living in “will we won’t we” purgatory for the rest of your life is so much more miserable.

2. You haven’t grieved long enough. Or maybe you just haven’t grieved at all.

So the question I probably get asked the most is how long will it take to get over my ex? The answer is, I don’t know. It’s so incredibly relative. But it’s probably gonna be more than a few days. And it’s likely gonna be more than a few weeks. And it could be months. But if you feel like it’s gone on longer than it should it might be due to the fact that you’re not feeling the grief and loss. At some point it’s healthy to feel the sadness so that you can honor it, understand it and process it out of your body. Distracting yourself from your feelings is fine for a while but if that’s the only thing you do, you probably won’t fully heal.

3. You were attached to them.

When we partner up with someone we are chemically attached to them. When the relationship ends, whether we like it or not, our brains and bodies are still feeling attached. It takes time for that attachment to fade. Sometimes a long time. You may have all the best reasons in the world to end the relationship but just because it SHOULD be over it doesn’t mean that every cell in your body is going to let go of the real attachment you had with them, right when you call it quits.

4. You’re still attached to the fantasy of what could have been.

Ugh! The potential. I hear about the potential all the time. And you make a good point. There was probably a ton of potential. That’s one of the main reasons we get together with someone because of the potential future that could be created with them. But you’re not in relationship with their potential. You’re in relationship with who they really are. And who they really are isn’t a good match for you. There’s likely a very good reason this relationship did not last. My suggestion, list all the negative things about them and the relationship and read that list over and over again when you’re hooked on the potential of who they could have been.

5. Being single is lonely.

It’s the most cliche thing ever but do you miss them or do you miss just being with someone? Because sometimes being single is a bummer and super boring. And even though your relationship may have had some problems, at least you had something to do. And at least you had someone to do it with. Embrace the loneliness my friend and do your best to start new hobbies and routines that add to your new identity.

6. You don’t want to start over again and you want that familiarity back.

Just thinking about getting back on those dating apps is soul crushing. Meeting someone. Developing chemistry. Finding out what all their dumb flaws are. All of that is incredibly overwhelming and time consuming and it would be so much easier to fall back into the familiarity of your ex, where even if everything wasn’t quite right, at least you knew what you were dealing with and you didn’t have to wade through the uncertain waters filled with a bunch of turds. It’s hard to let go of familiarity. But you’ll never grow, and you won’t heal, if you don’t step out of your comfort zone and create something new.

7. You’re craving their physical closeness.

One of the hardest parts of a break up is the sudden and jarring reality that you’re not going to be able to touch and kiss your sweetie anymore. It’s not usually something that people mentally prepare for. So after a breakup happens you may all of a sudden get hit like a ton of bricks that there isn’t anyone to cuddle and make out with anymore. And not only that, you might be disgusted at the thought of being intimate with someone new. So now you’re stuck in the middle of desiring your familiar ex and wanting to barf when you think about hooking up with someone else. It’s normal to go through this. It will pass.

8. You can’t stop thinking of all the good times.

Look, I’m sure there were a ton of good times. It’s probably why you were together in the first place. And remembering those good times is not a bad thing. But ONLY remembering them is going to make it hard to move on. You need a reality check my friend. If you can’t do it yourself, ask your friends, or therapist, to be honest and remind you why the relationship didn’t work out. There were likely some very good reasons it came to an end.

9. The relationship was part of your identity and now you’re like, who am I?

The longer you’re with someone, the more the relationship takes over your life and defines your days. Almost everything is affected by your relationship and that’s just how it goes. So when that relationship is over you may very well get stuck in an existential crisis. That’s normal. But it’s important to move yourself through that anxiety and do the work to figure out what your new identity is going to be instead of yearning for the old one to come back. It’s easier to go backwards. It’s more healing to move forward.

10. Because you were really hurt by them.

We also need to acknowledge that the relationship could have done some serious damage to your psyche. If you were with an abuser or narcissist it’s going to take some time to heal. And I’d recommend doing that work with a therapist. But even if your ex didn’t have a personality disorder or create trauma in your life, you still might be very let down and feeling a ton of pain. That amount of pain doesn’t leave over night. It could take 6 months. It could take more than a year. Be gentle with yourself. It will get better.

If you want tools on how to let go of a past relationship let me know in the comments. And If you want more dating and relationship advice make sure you subscribe! If you enjoy my content a free way to support my channel is to like this video. Also, join me on TikTok and instagram to get daily tips from me. If you’re looking for a counselor like me check out TherapyDen.com to easily find a therapist near you!